Loves Me, Loves Me Not

A resource for trans people who are wondering about their relationship.

Wondering about your relationship?

• Is your relationship a lot of work? Are you always fighting?
• Are you changing yourself to please your partner?
• Do you often feel like nothing you do is ‘good enough’ for your partner?
• Do you find yourself making excuses for the way your partner treats you?
• Do you feel afraid of your partner?
• Are you afraid that your relationship is negatively affecting your children?

If so, you may be in an abusive relationship.

It’s not easy to talk about abuse.

As trans people, we face many stereotypes and some of these may prevent us from admitting that abuse happens in our relationships and seeking help when we are ready to talk to someone about it.

What is abuse?

Abusive partners make you feel bad about yourself.  When we think we don’t deserve any better, or we’ll never find someone else, we can put ourselves in danger.  Abusive partners often find ways to specifically use being trans against you. For example:

• Calling you by the wrong pronoun, ‘it’, or even ‘freak’;
• Telling you that you are not a ‘real’ man or woman ;
• Telling you that no one would believe you because you’re trans;
• Telling you how or how not to express your gender identity (clothes, hair, medical treatment);
• Making fun of your body; touching it in ways, or in places, you have asked them not to;
• Hiding or throwing away hormones, wigs, clothes, binders, packers, etc;
• Threatening to ‘out’ you to friends, family, employers, or landlord;
• Not allowing you to join/participate in trans (or other) communities;

Abusive partners may also:

• Threaten to call immigration and have you deported;
• If you do sex work, threaten to call welfare to report you for not declaring your earnings.

Any aspect of your identity, like race, class and HIV status, can be used against you by your abusive partner to gain control.

Your partner might also:

• Kick, Hit, Slap, Bite, Punch, Shove, Scratch;
• Tell you where you can go and keep track of your every movement;
• Force you to have sex;
• Take your money;
• Get you hooked on drugs;
• Destroy your things;
• Threaten to harm your children or your pets.

Abuse is not your fault. Without intervention abuse will not stop.

The Effects of Abuse

• Abuse can affect your health. Effects may include:
• Physical injuries;
• Depression;
• Suicidal feelings;
• Anxiety or panic attacks;
• Flashbacks;
• Overwhelming feelings of anger, fear, or shame.

What To Do If You're Being Abused:

Getting help may be difficult. Domestic abuse and child welfare services are not always available or sensitive to trans people. If you don’t get the help you need, don’t give up.

Tell someone you trust who can help you come up with a plan. Seek professional help from a qualified counsellor who is trans-positive and knowledgeable about partner abuse. They can help you to explore your options and support you to make decisions. Trans community organizations may be able to help you find someone, although there may be a wait list. 

Make a plan

Only you can decide what to do about your relationship - whether to stay or leave is your decision. However, it is important to develop a plan in case your safety and/or your children's safety is at risk. Make sure that your plan includes how to leave and how to stay safe after you have left. A plan may include:

• A safe place to stay; find out ahead of time if your local Shelter accepts trans people and if so, what the specific acceptance policy is. You need to know where you’re going to keep yourself safe.
• Emergency phone numbers;
• Putting aside some money or opening your own bank account;
• A bag of essentials, including extra hormones and syringes if you use these (Remember that your ID, visa, passport -even if they are not yet in your gender-appropriate name- are very important and hard to replace).  Keep these things hidden somewhere safe or with someone safe.

Fear of losing your children can make you stay.  Know your legal rights involving your children.  Being a good parent is more important to the court than being trans.  

Leaving the relationship

If you leave, change your routine (your way to work, where you shop, when you have appointments). You may also want to have someone accompany you when you go out.

If your partner continues to harass you after leaving the relationship, have your phone number(s) changed.

Consider reporting incidents of harassment or violence to the police. If you are unsure about this, discuss it with someone you trust who has knowledge about trans issues and the police and court system. Some police may not be responsive or sensitive, or may not take you seriously.  Involving the police is scary but it is their job to protect you. Your legal name may be made public if charges are laid against your partner.

You may need medical attention, exams, or testing following a physical or sexual assault. You have the right to refuse medical attention. A ‘rape kit’ is used to gather ‘evidence’, which can later be used to press charges. This needs to be done within 72 hours of an assault. You will be asked not to wash. If you refuse the kit, you can still receive medical care, including HIV prophylactics and/or the ‘morning after pill’ (If you are a trans man who has not had a hysterectomy, or has not been on ‘T’ for more than 3 months, you may have to consider the possibility of pregnancy as a result of an assault). Consider bringing a friend, community peer, family member, or other advocate for support.

If you call the police and you have children, the police will contact the Children’s Aid Society. Gender identity is not a child protection concern. The best way for your children to be happy is for you to be happy. Children need protection from chronic conflict and violence.

You have the right to live free from violence and fear.

Community Resources in Toronto that have expressed a commitment to serving trans people (W = wheelchair accessible)

Crisis
The 519 Church Street Community Centre Trans Programmes (416) 392-6878 x104 and The 519 Church Street Community Centre Anti-Violence Program (416) 392-6878 x117, both at 519 Church Street. [W]
Assaulted Women's Helpline (416) 863-0511 GTA, (416) 863-7868 TTY, or Toll Free in Ontario 1-866-863-0511 and TTY: 1-866-863-7868.  Free 24-hour crisis hotline.
Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Youth Line (416) 962-9688 GTA, or Toll Free 1-800-268-9688, and TTY available.  Free peer-support hotline. Sunday to Friday, 4 to 9:30 pm.
Toronto Rape Crisis Center/Multicultural Women Against Rape (416) 597-8808 y Español (416) 597-1171 x228.  Free 24-hour hotline provides confidential crisis counseling, information and referrals.
Shelters: Redwood, Ernestine’s and Women’s Habitat (Assaulted Women’s Shelters).   Fred Victor is a downtown homeless shelter with trans programming.

Medical
Hassle Free at 66 Gerrard St. East, 2nd floor, offers free STI and anonymous HIV testing, and sexual health counselling.  TG and TS folks welcome at both the women (416-922-0566) and men’s clinics (416-922-0603).  No one refused services without a health card. [W]
Health Centre at 410 (St. Michael's Hospital) at 410 Sherbourne Street, (416) 867-3728.[W]
Sherbourne Health Centre at 333 Sherbourne Street, (416) 324-4180.[W]
The SHOUT Clinic at 467 Jarvis St. (416) 927-8553, a medical drop-in for street-involved/homeless youth under 25.  No health card/documents needed.[W]

Legal
Community Legal Aid Clinics. You may qualify. To find the clinic nearest you, call Legal Aid Ontario/Aide Juridique Ontario. Services in English et en Français (416) 979-1446 or Toll Free 1-800-668-8258. TTY/ATS (416) 598-8867 or Toll Free 1-866-641-8867. 

Immigration
Costi Immigrant Services, (416) 244-7714. For newly arrived and/or settled immigrants as well as government-sponsored refugees.

Counselling
Central Toronto Youth Services: Pride & Prejudice Program (ages 25 and under), 65 Wellesley St. East, Suite 300. (416) 924-2100 x 245. Services are free.[W]
The David Kelley Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer Counseling Program, Family Service Association, 355 Church St. (416) 595-9618. Fee for service, sliding scale.[W]
Sherbourne Health Center, 333 Sherbourne St. (416) 324-4180. Multi-language services. Services are free with a health card.[W]
2-Spirited People of the 1st Nations, 43 Elm St, 2nd floor. (416) 944-9300. Services are free and by membership only.

Acknowledgments

This pamphlet was developed in collaboration with members of the Coalition Against Same Sex Partner Abuse (CASSPA).

Funding was made possible through a grant to David Kelley Services, Family Service Toronto by the Ministry of the Attorney General, Ontario Victims Services Secretariat.

CASSPA would like to thank the community consultants on this brochure including (and appearing in alphabetical order): Yasmeen Persad, Jake Pyne, Hershel Russell, and Kyle Scanlon.

David Kelley LGBTQ & HIV/AIDS Services/Family Service Toronto wishes to acknowledge numerous other community members and service providers who contributed to the development of these materials.

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